IVR Suggestions Thread

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

Welcome to Psychiatric hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly,
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multi-personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice in your head will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one is going to answer.

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school phone system.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!